DTLA - Dear High-Propensity Los Angeles Voter,
Hello! Hola! Shalom! You are cordially invited to the annual #MayoralThanksgiving dinner. The fact that this takes place in November, the same month on the calendar in which presidential elections occur, is, we assure you, just a coincidence.
His honor #MayorOfInstagram Mayor Eric Garcetti believes this Thanksgiving will be the #BestOneEver. Rather than take place in a single venue as in years past, the 2017 #MayoralThanksgiving will be held in numerous locations in Los Angeles simultaneously. Some of these might happen to be polling places that are used in the 2020 presidential election. If anyone becomes habituated to visiting a polling station in the month of November and thinks thankful thoughts about Mayor Garcetti, that would be nice indeed.
Do note, however, that despite trips this year to states such as New Hampshire and Wisconsin, Mayor Garcetti loves his job and is focused on Los Angeles, and is not currently running for president.
All attendees at the #MayoralThanksgiving will have brand new placemats this year. Mayor Garcetti recently was mentioned in articles in both the Washington Post and The Guardian that listed individuals who just might maybe could possibly hopefully one never knows perchance be the Democratic nominee for president in 2020. He was also the subject of a profile in Vogue, a magazine read by many women, including many women who vote. An enterprising soul has turned these articles into placemats. It would be a shame not to use them.
The mayor’s office will be releasing a #PreparedStatement on Thanksgiving Day in which Mayor Garcetti states very important and certainly not generic things about Thanksgiving, on the chance that an enterprising professional journalist, citizen journalist or YouTube personality cares to write an article/host a podcast/Tweet/otherwise make a social media statement. This will fall in line with other statements such as “Mayor Eric Garcetti on Veterans Day,” “Mayor Eric Garcetti on Labor Day 2017,” “Mayor Eric Garcetti on Yom Kippur,” “Mayor Eric Garcetti on the Holy Month of Ramadan” and “Mayor Eric Garcetti on the National Day of Prayer.”
These were all actual press releases, and if anyone sees this list and thinks, “Mayor Eric Garcetti cares about me and my beliefs,” then that would be nice indeed.
As a reminder, Mayor Garcetti, despite traveling this month to the battleground state of Indiana to attend the inaugural meeting of Accelerator for America, of which he is advisory council chair, is not currently running for president. He remains focused on the many issues facing Los Angeles.
In the run-up to the meal, attendees will be treated to songs that show a bit of edge but that everyone enjoys and #OffendNoOne. The mayor most likely will dress in an outfit that demonstrates he is a #RegularGuy but with a #DashOfStyle.
The meal will be top-notch, and will be prepared and served by a staff that makes at least minimum wage and has healthcare coverage. No one will dare mention the names Harvey Weinstein, Louis CK or James Toback during the dinner. References to President Barack Obama are encouraged. Speak not of the orange-domed figure currently residing in the White House.
The meal will be built around a recipe created by Mayor Garcetti: 2028 Summer Olympics Turkey with I Heart IOC Gravy takes years to perfect, and is most effectively prepared by wining and dining the bird and demonstrating to it time and again that it is loved and desired, that it can be prepared impressively but with an eye to cost, and that it can be shared with the city of Paris. It will be served on a shiny platter for all the world to see. There is more than enough for everyone.
The chief side dish will be the Mayor’s Measure M Mashed Potatoes, named for the Metro sales tax that L.A. County voters passed last November, which Mayor Garcetti championed. The potatoes will be served in cute little trains that arrive at the table on time.
Also part of the meal will be No on Measure S Stuffing, as on Nov. 23 we can all give thanks that the March ballot proposal also known as the Neighborhood Integrity Initiative was shot down by more than 70% of Los Angeles voters.
Speaking of numbers, there’s the 81% Green Bean Casserole, a mayoral specialty that has a little to do with green beans, and a lot to do with the fact that Mayor Garcetti #RolledToRe-Election with 81% of the vote in March. Let us rejoice.
Dessert will be served in two waves, with a Pumpkin Proposition HHH Pie followed by a Measure H crème brulée. Before digging in we will recognize how Mayor Garcetti helped persuade voters to tax themselves to pay first for permanent supportive housing and then services for homeless individuals. If during the meal you have an idea on where some of that housing could be built, then by all means, speak up!
As with any good Thanksgiving dinner, there will be too much to eat, and guests will be given spaceship-shaped Lucas Museum Leftover Containers, in honor of the state-of-the-art attraction that Mayor Garcetti helped land for Exposition Park.
Mayor Garcetti also hopes to have Amazon Second Headquarters Gift Bags for all attendees, but he is still working on those.
We trust you will have a wonderful time and will find plenty for which to be thankful in Los Angeles. If during the meal you see an envelope peeking out from under your silverware, and think that envelope could hold your check or a cash donation in case someone launches a presidential campaign in a year or so, that would be nice indeed.
Of course, despite the fact that Mayor Garcetti recently appeared on “Hardball” with Chris Matthews, and told the host, “Washington is so broken, it’s up to us to show people how you can create jobs, fix this country, and build our future,” and despite the fact that he will travel in February to the early primary state of South Carolina, Mayor Garcetti is not currently running for president.
© Los Angeles Downtown News 2017