DOWNTOWN LOS ANGELES - Mayor Eric Garcetti wants a lot of things. He wants to secure $1 billion for a Los Angeles River revitalization. He wants New York Mayor Bill de Blasio to sing “I Love L.A.” on “Jimmy Kimmel Live” after the Kings whup the Rangers in the Stanley Cup. He wants the city to house a museum featuring R2D2, Jabba the Hut and other George Lucas creations. 


For once, I’m not making one of those up. 

That’s not all he wants, however. Garcetti this month announced that he is seeking a Los Angeles Poet Laureate. In the effort to find someone who knows the difference between a simile and a metaphor, the gig will pay. The L.A. Poet Laureate will serve from August 2014 to October 2016 and will receive $10,000 a year from the Department of Cultural Affairs. It may not be much, but that’s $10,000 a year more than most poets make. 

Applications are due by July 1, but already the candidates are sending samples. I recently hacked into Garcetti’s super-secret iThingy and discovered submissions from a number of individuals. Or I made them up. Here is some of what has been proffered. Is one of these people L.A.’s next Poet Laureate?

It’s About We

By Herb Wesson

It’s not about me

It’s about we

And also about oui

Is that campaign donation for me?

Oh, merci!

It is about we





And “WE” are the first two letters in Wesson

Lucky me.

The Real Fault in Our Stars

By Donald Sterling

The silence of a tape recorder

Is the loudest noise of all.

V. Stiviano in a short skirt

Can cause Clipper Nation’s fall.

Is there really any crime

In listening through an apartment tenant’s wall?

Would anyone even care

If this wasn’t tied to basketball? 

   And still

   I am left to wonder

   I am left to ponder

   I am left to thunder:

Why did you have to pose with Magic Johnson?

Glory Days

By Antonio Villaraigosa

Subway to the sea

And dreams of a million trees

It’s good being king.

     [Look! I haiku’ed!]

Why Me?

By José Huizar

You think ruling a fiefdom is easy?

Nay sir, nay ma’am.

You do not know my burden.

You do not understand the 14th.

You do not know what it is like

   To have a $125 million streetcar

   Zoom up to $328 million.

You do not know what it is like

   To have your car go boom-crash

   Into another car,

   And to have the city attorney

   Settle the case for $185,000.

You do not know what it is like

   To back the wrong horse 

   In the mayor’s race.

You do not know what it feels like

   To have the new mayor

   Hang out with Jay-Z

   And plan a giant concert

   In your council district.

You do not know what it is like

   To have a consensual relationship

   With Francine Godoy

   And to get sued

   Because of it.

Why me?

Yet, despite all of this,

You do not know what it is like

   To know that

   You will still skate to a third term

In next March’s election.

Maybe me isn’t so bad.

Find the Gray

By Paul Tanaka

A sheriff’s work is not black or white

which is why you find the gray.

If on the campaign trail someone asks

about beatings in the jails,

   Then find the gray.

If a reporter questions bulletproof vests

that were shipped to Cambodia

via the city of Gardena

(where you happen to be mayor),

   Then find the gray.

Should pesky folks wonder

if you have a Lynwood Vikings tattoo 

on your ankle, 

   Then find the gray.

If they ask again about beatings in the jails

while you were number 2 in the LASD,

   Then seriously, find the gray.

Remember to vote for Paul for sheriff in November!

The Ballad of Big Data

By Ron Galperin


Though you cannot see through them

they are the keys to transparency!

Why did the city CAO spend $35,526.25 

with Blue Sky Consulting Group LLC?

According to my website

The answer is “contractual services.” 

Big data is your friend.

Thinking About What’s Next

By Wendy Greuel

I love to serve people

Which is why I ran for city controller

Then four years later ran for mayor

And one year later ran for Congress

And why I’m running now

   For poet laureate

I love to serve people!

These days

I have a lot of time on my hands.

© Los Angeles Downtown News 2014

(1) comment

T gun
T gun

PEOPLE IN COUNCIL DISTRICT 14 NEED TO KNOW. Anyone with a sister or mother should read this. Yes...everyone. I have no political agenda...just stating the truth. Los Angeles City Councilman Jose Huizar is not telling the truth. He is trying to say his relationship with Francine Godoy was consensual to continue his career,as many politicians have done before him. If the truth came out, which is that he used his position to harass and torment this poor girl, his life/marriage would be over.The fact is, Francine Godoy was a victim and is now being portrayed as a home wrecker because huizar "admitted to an affair" which just isn't true.

People are just stuck on her the public sector, if a guy over 7 years worked his way up the corporate ladder, it wouldn't be a big deal. When she was first brought on, she was hired well below her skill set. Once that was noticed, she was given more responsibility and pay to retain her. All this girl did was work hard and kept her honor the whole time. Anonymous posters on blogs who made up rumors years ago were just jealous of her and in competition.

Don't be fooled ...Jose is a scheming politician. FYI Huizar's poor wife (who is also a victim) knows the truth but is remaining silent because she needs him to work to support her and their kids. Sincerely-someone who knows

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